Tenseiga's Plot
by Liesie
Summary: I once pondered to myself why no one ever leans on Sesshoumaru's left side. This Sess/Kagu crack!fic was the result.


**Disclaimer: _Inuyasha_ is not mine, though my conspiracy theories are.**

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Sesshoumaru laid sandwiched between his two favorite slumbering girls in the shade of an impressive pine tree overlooking the down slope of a waterfall, Rin buried in his mokomoko-sama and Kagura snuggled against his chest. Could life get any more perfect?

Overcome with the urge to kiss Rin's cute little head, he leaned to his right and planted one in the midst of her dark locks. On his way back to his original position, however, one of his armor's spikes accidentally jabbed Kagura in the eye. The metal point pierced past her eyeball and directly to her brain, killing her instantly.

Sesshoumaru uttered a clipped scream of anguish before angling his body toward her, thus pinioning Rin between his fluff and the pine. "No! What have I done?!" His daughter's muffled yelps fell on deaf ears as the demon daimyo continued to lament his torture to the gods. "The only woman I've ever loved is dead at my hands. Well, actually, at my armor's spikes, but that's beside the point." His stoic veneer shattered with a sob. Heaving his back against the tree with every syllable, he effectively drowned out Rin's remaining protests as well as cracked several of her bones as he wailed to the sky, "I'll never love agaaaaaain!" his voice fracturing into a twisted groan of agony with the last word.

Hope burst into being across his features. "I know: I'll use Tenseiga!" Sesshoumaru eagerly dashed for the blade only to find that Tokijin's tassel had become inextricably intertwined with the Sword of Heaven's hilt. "Let. . . go. . . you. . . jealous. . ." His struggle's soundtrack finally ended when Tenseiga abruptly freed itself from the other sword to _snick_ into the foreground. "Aha!" Sesshoumaru's moment of triumph was short lived, however, as Tokijin was now sailing with magnificent grace toward a far-off red and white target.

"Hey, Sesshoumaru," Inuyasha called as he skipped up the hill to the meadow, wicker basket in hand. "I come bearing the food of brotherly love." He pulled out a package of ramen and held it aloft. "See? It's ram--" The rest of his proclamation ended in a choked grunt as Tokijin slammed into his chest with a wet slurp. A shocked look of disbelief on his visage, Inuyasha slumped to the ground. The container of ninja food rolled from his limp claws. The hanyou's dimming eyes tracked its progress from under his white bangs as his numb fingers twitched with the urge to follow it. "But, the ramen. . ." he whispered, his final benediction.

"Noooo!" Sesshoumaru roared with renewed vigor. "Now my sword has slain my own brother?! Why, merciful kami, why?!" He paused for breath. "Everyone I've ever loved is dead!"

Jaken popped his head out of the forest. "I'm still here, my lord."

"I repeat: everyone I've ever _loved_ is dead!" Sesshoumaru looked away pointedly.

The toad gave a strangled moan before incinerating face with the Staff of Two heads.

"Boy, I sure am glad you're here, Jaken," Sesshoumaru started brightly, turning back around. "I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to pick on for comic relief." The only sound he received in answer was the sizzle of his retainer's flesh as the demonic flames died out on the flesh of his face. "Oh, dear God, no!"

Frantic to assure himself of his ability to save his family, the no-longer deadpan daiyoukai swept Tenseiga over Kagura's crumpled form. Nothing happened. With mounting dread, Sesshoumaru repeated the action. Nothing. Almost devolving into sobs again, he slashed at the empty air feverishly. When the wind sorceress still didn't stir, Sesshoumaru held up the sword and howled at it, "You worthless scrap of metal, save her! Why won't you work now, when I most need you?!"

Tenseiga glanced at him. "I'm a Sess/Rin fan."

Disgust overcame Sesshoumaru's features, and he dropped the offensive blade. "How dare you! This Sesshoumaru has no desire to be the first youkai on _To Catch a Predator_." He steeled himself and retrieved his errant tool. "I command you to raise her."

"Sorry, Sesshy, but I just can't do that. She's your canon love interest and as such poses the largest threat to Sess/Rin." He cringed at the mention of the pairing.

"Stop saying those contemptible words. They scald this Sesshoumaru's ears." He stared past the Fang of Healing at his brother's truncated form. "Is Tokijin in on this too?"

The sword in question sprang indignantly from Inuyasha's cadaver. "I resent the insinuation that I could ever betray the Mistress in such a fashion."

"Then why did you stab Inuyasha?"

Tokijin huffed. "Because that conniving knife tossed me in his direction, and before I could regain my equilibrium, he was dead." He pointed an accusatory tassel at Tenseiga. "I was trying to keep him and his insidious plots from ever escaping the scabbard, but he overpowered me and used me as an instrument in it."

Sesshoumaru returned his glower to the so-called Sword of Heaven. "The question remains: why did you deign to assassinate Inuyasha?"

Tenseiga glared right back. "It is my mission in life to eliminate every pairing with a greater chance of occurring than Sess/Rin." The cold demon stuck his tongue out in repulsion.

"I can't decide if I'm more insulted or disgusted that such gay incest is even tolerated."

The malignant blade threw its head back and cackled. "Muahahaha! Now that Kagura's out of the picture, nothing can stand in the way of the Sess/Rin shippers! All other pairings will worship at our feet or crumple beneath our boots."

"No," Tokijin cried. "I shall not let the Mistress's sacrifice be in vain. Have at thee!" He charged.

The two swords clashed in midair with a fearsome _clang_. The match began evenly at first, but gradually Sesshoumaru saw Tokijin tiring. Tenseiga pushed his advantage until the battling blades were within inches of the shady pine under which Sesshoumaru had been dozing blissfully a scant half hour ago. Realizing that his opponent was too great a match for him, Tokijin poured all his remaining energy into one final swing. Unfortunately, crafty Tenseiga had anticipated this desperate move and swerved to the side milliseconds before the other combatant whizzed past him and embedded himself deep in the pine.

Tenseiga reared back. "With your demise, so dies Sesshoumaru's only canon pairing." He descended upon the trapped sword with a fearsome snarl of, "Death to Sess/Kagura!" Tokijin shattered into a fine hail of shards that drifted lazily over Kagura's corpse at the base of the tree.

But the wind sorceress's cadaver wasn't the only deceased body resting in the shade of the imposing conifer. Bruised and bloodied, Rin lay smushed up against the trunk, arms twisted at odd angles and chest unmoving.

Tenseiga drew back. "No, this wasn't supposed to happen!" He whirled on Sesshoumaru. "_You_ did this! You were too concerned with your precious little wind bitch to notice that you were suffocating your future mate. You'll pay for this."

The daiyoukai's eyes bled crimson. "No," he growled as his face morphed into a muzzle. "_You_ will." In a burst of light and energy, Sesshoumaru's limbs transformed and coalesced into his true form, claws digging into the soil in barely contained rage.

"Oh, just try it, you overgrown poodle. I was manipulating the Inu no Taisho into sleeping with a mortal woman when you were just a--" He silenced Tenseiga's yelp of protest with his jaws. One powerful snap later, and the remains of his father's rogue heirloom thunked to the grassy ground.

Sesshoumaru allowed the energy to ebb out of him as he returned to human size. He was surprised to learn, however, that a new sword was clasped in his brand-spankin' new left hand.

With Bakusaiga, Sesshoumaru was able to raid the underworld and retrieve Kagura's, Rin's, Inuyasha's, and Jaken's souls. His family was among the land of the living once more, though some of them looked like they'd be better off dead; Jaken took to skulking around at night wearing a white mask and serenading the stars with "The Music of the Night," and Kagura had to wear an eye patch for a week, but they were otherwise okay.

Everyone (especially Kagura) was quite pleased to learn that Bakusaiga didn't seem to have any homicidal tendencies. He just stayed in his sheath and minded his own business, hacking up the occasional youkai for his lord now and then.

Little did they know the full extent of the blade's malicious plans.

_Nothing shall stand in the way of the pairing of the future!_ Bakusaiga exclaimed to himself inside his scabbard. _Sess/Kag will dominate all forms of fan fiction! Victory will be mine!_

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**Dun dun DUN.**


End file.
